If you give a mouse hot cheetos...

Best bait ever?

I promise we will talk about the mouse, but the lead up is part of the story.

To begin, I am dead broke because I didn't follow my budget. That's on me.

Tonight, I am calling the troops. By the troops, I mean my siblings. Being the oldest sibling is a funny thing. I worry a lot about my siblings, how they are, and how I can help them succeed. Ultimately, I think I care a lot but I am unable to do much to change their circumstances. That sucks.

Coming back to this in a bit because I started writing too soon.

I am back after a two hour interlude of cold feet, a comforter that wouldn't dry, and a social media post that is going to influence no one. Thank god I don't make my money online.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I dropped a bag of hot cheetos on my floor. The whole bag. It tipped and I felt the cheetos rush out like a school of fish escaping a net. It was horrible, but I cleaned up as many as possible. The good news is that I vacuumed an hour before the fiasco, so some of the top portion was salvageable. The bad news is that now there is hot cheeto dust on the light gray carpet in my room and I have to vacuum again tomorrow.

I worry. Worry I do. The worry consumes me. Worrywart worrywart.

The cheeto dust is a minimal worry. Level 1. But it can get intense. If a worry is between a Level 4 and Level 7, my stomach hurts. If it is above a Level 7, I shut down. I am working on moving things down a notch. Like the hot cheeto dust should be a non-worry, but what if a mouse enters my room to lick the cheeto dust on my floor because it is hungry and then it becomes enraged because it is spicy? The mouse, named Beatrice, subsequently decides to enact vengeance on me as I sleep by walking across my eyelids.

I am terrified of mice because they are not clean. My eyes will not be clean and I will have to deeply cleanse them, which will make me late for work. But then at work I will keep thinking of my mice eyes and then I will develop a rash from worry (or from a made up allergy to mice probably, as this is just a case study).

Luckily, I should be safe. Reading that back made me realize how absurd it is to be worried about the mice. I have bigger worries, like bills and debt and health insurance, and why that one friend never texted me back two weeks ago and why that one guy decided that he didn’t want to date me and also left me on read.

It shouldn't matter that people fail to respond. I haven't messaged Anum back for like 70 days I bet. I need to be a better friend, less self absorbed. I feel the tension everywhere I go. The underlying sense my friends all hate me and that I am indeed a charity case. It might not be true, but it also might be true. One of those worry things I suppose.

(This next section is written while locking eyes with my bedroom, not the screen).

HOLY FUCKTHERE IS AMOUSE IN MY ROOM. I AM NOT LYING AND I CANNOT SLEEP OR MOVE ANYMORE, I NEED TO PLAY MUSIC AND SIT IN MY CAR. HOLY SHIT. I AM ANXIOUS FOR A REASON AND IT WAS BIG AND FAT AND HOW MANY TIMES HAS IT BEEN IN MY ROOM. CAN IT CLIMB. DID IT WANT THE HOT CHEETO DUST ?? IT WAS OVER BY MY TRASH BUT I THINK IT LEFT MY ROOM UNDER THE DOOR CRACK BUT I AM NOT POSITIVE BECAUSE THE BLANKET WAS IN THE WAY AND I DO NOT WISH IT HARM BUT I DO NOT WANT IT IN MY HOUSE. IT IS NOT A PET, IT CARRIES DISEASE AND IT POOPS EVERYWHERE AND IT EATS HOLES IN THE WALL AND I NEED TO LEAVE NOW. DOES IT ALWAYS COME AT 2AM???

OKAY okay okay. how much is a mousetrap? google says $2-7. goddamn it. nothing is open right now.

I hate mice. They are my biggest fear. Fuck. I really do need to leave and buy a trap but I also have to change my clothes and my feet are afraid of the ground because I do not know if there is only one mouse or if there are many and I do not know where they would be. I am so sad.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

this is my nightmare. and it is so late that everyone is asleep. I also think it may be my fault because I had not taken my trash out for a week, but I took it out this morning. Maybe there was some food residue before today, but not a lot and it would have been in the trashcan, so I am confused. I hate how confident the mouse was. Does it live behind my dresser? Or does it just visit? I really do not think I shall sleep all night.

I am so clean. I keep things so organized. I just ignored the trash for one week. I vacuum weekly. IT CAME AGAIN NO NO NO. THIS IS THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. FUCK.

(I proceed to FaceTime my sister at 2am from my laptop because my phone is charging at my desk in the other room and I cannot leave my bed. The rest of the post is written while on FaceTime with her as we debated heavily about the merits of shoes vs. slippers. Ultimately I escaped my room in a grandma nightgown, cardigan, and puffy toed slippers).

I am paralyzed in fear. I might die. I hate this so bad. My sister called me back finally and told me to go to my car. If I die, I want a closed casket funeral and for no one to mention my cause of death. That would be so embarrassing.

Yours Truly,

Macy