My Life is Incomplete at 25

pink hair:)

-I love sex

-Why doesn't he love me

-What is God

-Why doesn't He love me

-I hate sex

-I am so lonely

-I dyed my hair pink

-I graduated

-I didn't apply for jobs

-I went to San Diego

-I stayed at a job that I hate

-I gave myself a bob

-I started taking an anti-psychotic

-I went on a cruise

-I slept with two guys on New Years

-I hate sex again

-I started student loan repayment

-I finally applied for a job

-I had one interview

-I told my landlord I am moving out by April

-I have nowhere to go

-(yet)

19 days until I turn 26. This^^ is broad overview of what I learned and experienced this past year of my life (and evidence that life is still messy and that I don't know anything yet).

Starting medication for bipolar II disorder was one of the best things I did at 25. It is hard to want to take my medication sometimes, and I hold it in my mouth and think about it before I swallow, but I imagine that it is good for me. My friends like me better and I went on the most recurring dates with one person ever.

Being chronically single has been a blessing and a curse. I love my independence, but I get really lonely. For a while, I was using sex to cope with the loneliness. I try to have sex more meaningfully now, but sometimes I miss the recklessness of late-night desperation. (and the hot/messy kind of sex, not the soft kind where they tell me nice things). I am not used to being liked yet.

My relationship with God is still weird, but I did some deep thinking. God is probably real, but I don't think He cares about my daily life. There is no way God can be invested in all of us. If anything, it's like in Percy Jackson when the gods pick favorite children to fight their battles and the other children get cast aside to fend for themselves.

In a series of (unfortunate?) events, I decided to tell my landlord that I am interviewing for jobs and that I intend to move out by the end of March. I think I needed a push to get myself somewhere new. I am dissatisfied with my life: where I live, my job, my relationships, the dating scene, etc. Basically, I need to apply for jobs ASAP or else I am going to have to move for no reason.

Although I am dissatisfied, I try to remember that my life is incomplete at 25. I might live this long three more times. I will live so many more years and I will continue to learn. I will learn about stability, belonging, and God. Here are some of the good things from this past year:

-

My life is incomplete at 25, but I have

Shoes and shoes and platform shoes

and more than 10 plants, all happy, except the fern.

My teeth are luminous, and I drink alcohol.

Stars adorn my head when I place them there

and my favorite scarf comes with me to work.

I learned to make coffee in the mornings:

the good slow way with the Moka pot

and the fast late way where my coffee is cold.

I have rock and roll posters on the walls and

four-hundred books sit in my room, many with full margins.

Hair is growing back in places it has never been,

and I learned how to read tarot cards.

The moon and I bleed because we are alive.

-

Yours Truly,

Macy