"I think my soulmate was aborted"

and other crazy shit men have said to me in bed. (mostly this bed)

This is getting fucking ridiculous. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not a real person.

Dating apps gamify love and monetize hope. Everyone thinks they will find someone better if they just keep swiping, so they do. When things don’t go anywhere, the app is deleted out of frustration. When loneliness strikes again, the app is redownloaded. This cycle repeats endlessly.

Needless to say, I am not in the “finding someone” phase of dating right now.

Two nights ago, I slept with someone casually. I left the encounter remembering why (even though the sex is quite good) I hadn’t gone back to see him for over six months. He said crazy things to me in bed, and not in a sexy fun way where he tells me what to do or explains what he’s going to do to me. It wasn’t murderous or a cannibal thing either. It was more like, “oh my god, i’m actually going to die alone”.

This encounter led to further reflection on the craziest things men have said to me while we were in bed together. Some of it was during sex, some of it was after sex. Almost always, I was 100% naked while it happened. Certainly, my physical vulnerability added to how bizarre some of the comments felt.

Let me get into this bullshit:

-

Your breasts are spaced very nicely, like the pec genetics my kids would have, insane.

One time, this girl I was talking to sent me a video of her and her mom masturbating together, is it wrong that I found it hot?

If I stutter while I fuck you, don’t bring it up.

Do you ever think about how 1/3 of our generation has been lost to abortion? silence I think my soulmate was aborted.

I’ve been manifesting a chubby white girl for a while. That shit works.

You’re a feminist right? Feminist women give all their nurture to the illegal immigrants since they don’t have children to give it to.

You would look so fucking hot pregnant. I bet you hear that all the time.

Next time you are on your period, call me so I can come eat you out and kiss your neck and then you’ll be all bloody like if I was a vampire that bit you.

seventeen-year age gap Am I really the oldest guy you’ve been with? I could tell from your pictures that you have daddy issues. question No, I've definitely slept with girls younger than you.

Most girls can’t get me hard this many times in a row. It’s probably because they make me use a condom.

Can I try on your earrings?

What is your body count again? answer I just wanted to make sure it was the same number both times, girls love to lie about that shit. question My body count is none of your business.

After he was already inside me Am I your first virgin?

You’re too blonde to give head like that. Are you a fake blonde?

Do you want to have a threesome tomorrow? I’ll find the other girl if none of your friends are into the idea of sleeping with you, don’t worry.

He was in dental school You have nice teeth. You should definitely bite me.

Can I wear my hoodie? My hair is crazy and I don’t want you to look at it.

It hurts? You seemed like you would be into anal.

Places his hands on my lower stomach and makes intense eye contact Remember, your babies are always with you.

You matched with my cousin too. He’s listening in the other room.

Girl, your body is crazy. Like, sure your face is okay, but you have really great tits.

I’m not into eugenics on a large scale, it’s just that my personal bloodline needs to be pure, ya know? That's why my type is blonde women.

Did you finish? silence Did you want to?

-

And that concludes the list of things I can think of right now. Dating is fucked. Casual hookups are more fucked, because where do men get the audacity?

When I get on the apps, I hope people will be kind. I want to talk to someone interesting. I hope that I won’t get messages asking if my tits are real or how rough I like it or if I want to have a threesome with their ugly boyfriend. When I decide to go home with someone, I hope they’ll hold me and play with my hair. I would love to be called beautiful more often than hot. I never want to be called a temptation or temptress ever again.

I know that love isn’t going to be easy. Finding it on a little metal and glass device late at night isn’t the answer. Thus, partly due to writing this article, I finally blocked dating apps from my phone. I’ve been considering it for a while, but talking to people in public is scary. I might write about that more later.

For right now, I have to go clear my head. Maybe I’ll edit this list someday. Hopefully not.

Yours truly,

Macy