Discoball Stars On My Ceiling

Don't fret. I do know basic sewing skills if I become a trad wife like god intended <3

Being disappointed by men over thirty doesn't help my daddy issues. Because yes, I expect older men to suck a little bit, but like in mature ways? Not the *I use snapchat even though I'm 34 yet I can't manage to keep any other social media platform up-to-date* kind of way. Because that is essentially the same bullshit I already deal with from people my own age. You are awesome RJ — xoxo. Sorry I cancelled tonight, but not really.

Oddly enough, for someone as disillusioned and pessimistic as myself, I still like to start my stories with "Once upon a time."

It’s whimsical and a little too hopeful. But I like to imagine that if I set my stories up correctly, that maybe they will eventually end correctly. But I don't really believe in "Happily ever after."

Movies get it all wrong. Earlier this week, I watched part of Reese Witherspoon's speech for Glamour in 2015. She states:

"I dread reading scripts that have no women involved in their creation because inevitably I get to that part where the girl turns to the guy, and she says, "What do we do now?!" Do you know any woman in any crisis situation who has absolutely no idea what to do? I mean, don't they tell people in crisis, even children, "If you're in trouble, talk to a woman." It's ridiculous that a woman wouldn't know what to do.

So, anyway, after going to these studios and telling people about how there's barely any female leads in films and the industry's in crisis, people were aghast. 'That's horrible,' they said. And then they changed the subject and moved on with their dinner and moved on with their lives."

Why are we moving on already? Witherspoon's thoughts from 2015 loosely parallel my feelings recently. About human rights and climate change and american politics and the queer community and the weaponization of feminism or anti-natalism. What am I supposed to do or say? Is education useful if I never do anything with it? What should I do?

I watched a reel the other day (because I am impulsive and deleted TikTok) that advised young women to go to law school because more women are needed in court rooms and acting as judges and being sources of reference for legislation. But since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder last fall, I have no idea what I can do.

Can I go to law school? Am I stable enough to be a good attorney and not miss deadlines? Is that a good fit? Would I even make a difference as laws continue to change? I won't even graduate from law school until after the end of this presidency.

Recently, people have been telling me to re-evaluate my life and my capabilities. So in my remaining time as an undergraduate student, I intend to deeply read and watch and listen and think and write and analyze. I want to make the world more fair and kind. I want people to be safe and healthy.

What have I learned or re-considered since my last post ? (a few days ago)

• there is no legal way to gain refugee or asylum status in the US since Jan 20, 2025

• transgender individuals cannot get a new passport and leave the country due to executive orders surrounding gender identification (potentially classifying them as IDPs)

• the average adult in the united states reads at a 7th-8th grade level

• white infants in the US have similar mortality rates to european countries, while black infants in the US have similar mortality rates to barbados/similar countries. more than double the rate for white infants

• the number one cause of death for children in the US is guns. firearms. guns.

• john locke was lowkey prioritizing the right things, but now we don't care about life, liberty, or property — let alone the pursuit of happiness

• re-reading animal farm. my heart hurts. no one knows the laws, so many abuses of power. and protections being denied that were promised to the animals living on animal farm?

• reading ACOMAF, Feyre sucks. Tamlin sucks more. Rhys is charming, but so violent and possessive and emotionally immature. I don't want him. Also, STOP with making men so goddamned masculine — why?

These quotes made me sit in the quiet:

Quote from Handmaid's Tale:

"It was after the catastrophe, when they shot the president and machine-gunned the Congress and the army declared a state of emergency. They blamed it on the Islamic fanatics at the time. I was stunned. Everyone was, I know that. It was hard to believe, the entire government gone like that. How did they get in, how did it happen? That was when they suspended the Constitution. They said it would be temporary. There wasn't even any rioting in the streets. People stayed home at night, watching television, looking for some direction. There wasn't even an enemy you could put your finger on."

Quote from Albert Einstein:

“The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything.”

--

I don't know why we are ignoring some of the most eloquent or genius people in recent history when they say to please watch your government closely. Please be safe.

I want to buy more books. I need to become more educated, and to become more educated in meaningful ways. This week, I intend to finish re-reading Animal Farm and finish A Court of Mist and Fury and my class readings, but also I really want to buy and read Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler to become more educated about climate change and the discourse surrounding it. Other than what has been published in scientific journals or what I see in documentaries. Or just like experience.

February 7th. Today it was in the high 40's and rained brown. My car is covered in gross grimy gray. My grandfather does not believe in climate change.

And finally. I wrote this for my poetry class, but I can't submit due to content:

--

The World Turned Upside Down (again)

by Macy Conrad

I bleach my hair

I paint my lashes

Blue

I like pink chapstick

And pink eyeliner

School is long

Money is short

I think about capitalism

communism

socialism

I do my homework

I cancel a date

He pushed it back an hour

And a half

No reason

Well, actually,

He just wanted to fuck me

It’s more likely when the

wine and movie night

starts at 9pm.

But I am tired of getting fucked

by men that don’t love me

by the system (that is better for me than for others)

I want to be in the sunshine

I want to be creative

I want to be whole.

I love technology, but I need a break

Maybe I should churn butter

And stop reading the news.

Tiktok is gray now

It is gray

Like marijuana.

I wake up late

I skip breakfast

Coffee.

Things on my mind right now:

Handmaid’s Tale

1984

Cabaret.

--

Yours Truly,

Macy